Because you’re not worth it

Whenever I feel lonely, sad, under-achieved or just a nobody, I feel the urge to write a post here. It’s really disturbing, because when I first started this blog, I didn’t want it this way. At the risk of sounding too spiritual, I wanted to document my life here. I wanted to share every moment that wrapped me in its arms. I didn’t know my readers, still don’t know most of you, but I have faith in the power of the internet.

Four years on, Sweet Dreams In My World has become tarty and a platform for self-therapy. When no one is there to listen, I come back to this.

But writing has healed so many souls; I should be allowed to give it a go. Yes?

All through high school and university, I thought I had control over life. I worked very hard to get good grades, be kind, please teachers, make parents proud and have the best relationships with family and friends. I knew what I wanted, I knew exactly the path I wanted to walk on.

I have always been honest and truthful, to myself and life. But this guy called Karma scared me. I felt he just needed one glitch from my end to use all his energy and jump at me if I went against his will.

Having said that, I don’t mean to say that i’m all perfect. I have done my share of naughty things, like munching on a few pieces of grapes while shopping at the supermarket.

We all have had our moments of ‘oopsies’, so how does this Karma fellow choose the people he wants to hurt? Does he pick the ones who don’t offer their seat to an old lady on the bus or does he choose the ones who eat most number of grapes?

I’ve aimed to be a good kid, for every second of the past 22-years that I’ve lived. But I somehow still managed to fail. Miserably fail. It’s been 18 months, and I am still struggling. Seems as though I am still paying for those grapes.

This ladder of success doesn’t want to make friends with my cloud of dreams. More importantly, it’s moving away from my bubble of happiness. I’m not sure where it’s heading, but it’s one dodgy bastard of a ladder.

I can’t tell the difference between artificial and real happiness anymore, as when I am really happy and content is the same feeling as the moment when I lie in response to the question, ‘How are you?’

When is it worth it? Living away from home since the past five years, having no social life, not being in a relationship… is it really worth it?

It’s become a constant act of giving, giving and giving.

When do you know you’ve made it? Does a tarot card reading tell you that or do you have to pray to God every day?

I pray. Not everyday, but that’s the relationship God and I have. He knows when I am sad or anxious. He sends sunshine when he wants me to be happy. It’s raining in Sydney today, which justifies this post.

This journey has now become one that’s full of unattainable hopes and dreams in all aspects, be it in regards to career, travel, health or love.

How many more late nights is it going to take? How many more weekends do I have to give up? How many more tears? How many of these posts?

A few more grapes to get through… perhaps.

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12 thoughts on “Because you’re not worth it

  1. OMG I don’t know why but when I am reading this blog…It sort of feel like you are talking about me too! I know and understand this feeling. I tell you dear…this guy called Karma seems like sentiment swinger! Quick fix?? Chocolate 🙂 trust me it works for me!Love reading your Blog,keep writing & be positive ~ ++

  2. I, like you, write the most and perhaps the best when I’m feeling down – and my blog is usually on the receiving end of it. So vent all you like – it’s your space.

    I wish I had some profound, deep words to share with you but all I can really say is – hang in there. Even on the worst days, take solace in the fact you are doing what you love (and yes you are – even when your head says screw this – your heart is whispering ‘you can do this’).

    Take the time to BREATHE, make the time for yourself – no matter how brief. These moments will reinvigorate you. Ha – I said I wouldn’t get deep and there I go. Hang in there – It WILL get better.

    1. Thanks for such wonderful words, Sig. So lovely of you 🙂 Rightly said, I know it’ll get better. I felt I needed to write this so one day when I am truly happy, from the heart kinda happy, I can look back at this and see my worst stage of life.

      Thank you. x

  3. Wow
    I just read this and it was me. I’ve Been trying to be the perfect person for a while now keeping everyone happy while trying to make it In the fashion Industry and it’s so hard with constant let down. Feeling like I’m paying for everything with karma. And thinking it’s time for a new dream x love your blog as usual

  4. We call you our brave daughter and you are! We are proud of you and have faith and believe in you – Your long nights will take you to where you want to be! God bless you

  5. Ahhh babe, your life reminds me so much of me
    i moved to syd to become something in the fashion industry, and it’s alot of knockbacks and hard works… thinking i should start a new dream 😦
    love reading your blog as always x

    1. Aw, thanks Anneliese. Start carving a new pathway to reach that dream, perhaps? My sister told me something beautiful yesterday, “You are not on the path you had imagined for yourself. But you’re on a parallel road. More like a by-pass. Both have the same destination. It’ll reach there, one day”. Something to ponder on. Good luck with your work. I am sure we’ll cross paths, someday. x

  6. Don’t give up, miss! Keep your eyes on the byline-shaped prize. I have no doubt that you’ll end up being my editor one day.

    1. Thanks so much, Gabby. You inspire me, with all your lovely words and writing. Even though I might never become your ‘editor’ (insane thought), but do dream of working with you one day. We could go for after-work dance classes 🙂 hee. x

  7. Shitika your post touched me in so many ways. You write in such a beautiful way! The only thing I like to say to you is hold on to your dreams even though the road is difficult. And have faith in life.

    1. Thank you, lovely Rita. I am thrilled that my mindless rambling connected with you. Truly thankful to you for reading it. People like you make me want to keep chasing the dream. There’s no stopping now 🙂 x

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