I want to apologise to all the ladies in advance… this isn’t really aimed at you, but it kinda is. I know one too many girlfriends of mine who have gone through this stage in their relationship, and to be really honest, I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t. No, I’m no guru in relationships, anything but, however I really think I have seen enough of my girlfriends go through this, which enables me to talk about it with some credibility.
Also, another little disclaimer, I apologise for the blunt, but truthful language you’re about to read, but it must be done and I want to take charge (sorry Dad, you can stop reading now).
So here goes…
Women of the universe, stop being so goddamn needy in your relationship/s. What the hell are you doing? Have you heard of this mate called self-esteem? And his cousin that goes by the name of self-respect? What about pride? No? What are you doing? Get to know these fellas, even before you get to know your lad, and if you’re single, then befriend these guys before you start repelling men with your ridiculous behaviour.
No, it’s not OK to ask for the attention of a man who called you a ‘fat cow’, right before sleeping with you. It’s also not OK to drunk text him when there was no interest shown in you at Jade’s party*. And while we’re at it, let me give you some wisdom, if a man is into you, you will know it, deep down in your heart. He will climb over bridges to have you in his life, only if he really wanted you. Stop being a douchebag and chasing him like you have no self-respect left. I’m not promoting that only men must chase and that conventional rubbish, but if you see a red flag go up from the other end, stop pursuing, is all I’m saying.
Dating, these days, has truly gone from ‘lust at first sight’ to ‘let’s have six babies, two puppies and ten kittens’. The strategies and tactics of dating have dramatically changed, because no longer do couples just want to be together. They want to keep thinking about ‘what’s next’ on their cards.
And even before you get to this stage, women are pleading guilty for being stupidly repellent towards the male species, all courtesy of their actions. Go girlfriend!
This is when I tell you how not to have a man run for the hills when you feel he might be showing the slightest bit of interest in you. Oh, and feel free to correct or challenge me in the comments below.
1) Stop drunk texting: When under the influence of alcohol and a serious chemical imbalance in the brain and blood system, step away from your phone. Number one rule of dating and life, really. Your grammar will be horrible, your ability to construct a comprehendible sentence will take a long leap out the window and you will embarrass yourself, full stop. Oh hold on, there are more benefits to this – when you wake up in the morning and innocently decide to browse your phone, you will scream, sigh, yell and wail in trauma, whilst the guy sits there and mocks at your existence. Long live alcohol.
2) Don’t talk about your obsession with food, fitness or the lack of either: Majorly guilty of this one, but the truth is this – men love their food. It’s difficult to believe that someone could fall so deeply in love with a piece of meat on their plate, but they do. When you start talking about how much you don’t like certain food, or have issues with your diet, they really don’t give a rat’s arse and it’s a major turn-off for the dude. Some of my best friends and I have gone through a crazy emotional journey with eating and fitness, so I completely get where you’re coming from, but I’ve also learnt that you don’t need to justify your actions to anyone. And I mean, anyone! It’s your body, love the living life out of it and don’t give out any explanations in return.
3) Current Affair knowledge = zero: All your energy is put into being the most beautiful girl in the room, when you could have opened the newspaper and read about what’s happening in Egypt. I’m not anti-grooming at all, in fact, being a beauty journalist I’m all up for it. If a little extra concealer can make you smile and be a little more confident, go to town with it, girl! But, don’t use that as your only powerful tool. Men love intelligence. If you have a kick-arse personality, they will see that much before they see that green eyeliner on your eyelid. Physical beauty and prettiness is not what values a woman’s worth – it’s her mind that’s sexier. Give your mind a workout by understanding what’s happening in the world around you, because once the makeup is out and the prettiness fades, show will be over.
4) The level of qualitative conversation is lower than ground zero: Small talk is the biggest mood killer, especially when done on a date or first meeting. If you can’t have a conversation with a guy that goes beyond what shoes you last purchased or how Taylor Swift is like-totes-ohemgee-your-like-favs, then expect an automatic rejection. Unless, of course, the guy just wants you for a shag, then he’ll deal with this superficial banter. But for a real connection, you need to tuck away your defences and be vulnerable. Share stories that hold a meaning in your life, ask questions and listen to him talk. Give a little, and ask a lot.
5) Have your own life: Don’t have your life revolve around someone you met a month ago, because you’ve lived with yourself for a longer period of time, and he’s just entered your life. You can’t give him that much power and importance to direct your life. Live your own life with your own friends, career, dinner parties and coffee dates, and if a man fits in this equation – great. Otherwise, love yourself before you let a man love you.
6) The ‘where are we heading’ conversation: You’ve seen each other four times this week, things are getting a little frisky, you smile at the thought of him and the conversations are on an intellectual fire – agreed, you have all the ingredients for a potential va-va-voom! But don’t feel the innate need to get a word of commitment from him after a month of dating. Too fast. The minute you start to label relationships and tag them in a colour-coordinated manner in a mental file, things start to go wrong. That ‘talk’ is what men run away from, and quite frankly, so should you. Live in the moment, my friend, take in what you have now and see where this takes you. No one cares if your Facebook relationship status is updated or not. Who says you have be married by 30 and have two juniors by 35, show me, who’s made this rule?
7) Don’t be an insecure diva: Men are repelled by women and their neediness because it shows how insecure you are. You have no confidence in your own being, there’s no notion of self-worth and definitely no self-love. If he’s out with the boys, don’t piss him off with constant messaging or stalking his Facebook and Instagram feed. And if he hasn’t texted you back after the first date, take a breather. Don’t keep going back to someone who was never yours.
Point is, love yourself, ladies. You should be your own favourite person. Don’t let a man ruin that for you.
*I don’t know who Jade is, sorry!