The Vegan Who Ate Cheese

It’s almost like the monk who sold his ferrari, except there are more calories involved in this scenario.

I’m going vegan for six weeks, and only kidnapping haloumi and camembert for the ride.

Here’s the deal, my best friend is getting married in six weeks, on a beach, and during Indian summer. There isn’t just a necessity for me to survive an Indian summer after eight years of not knowing what it entails, but I somehow have to make my body appropriate to wear rather revealing clothes for three days in a row. The agony doesn’t just end there, on top of all this, Netflix is single-handily ruining my life.

Enunciation to follow.

I have always imagined a wheel of camembert to be a living proof of heaven. That’s where after-life is, I’m certain of it… amidst the soft, creamy milkyway of this Normandy baby lies an ocean of enigma, spirituality and zen. I can feel it in every chewy bite of it, can’t you?

How great is cheese? And yoghurt? Oh yoghurt, with fresh blueberries and a sprinkle of cinnamon and nutmeg – mmmm, sex in a bowl.

So why all this vegan talk?

Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all preachy on you with a pro-PETA talk – especially with some really questionable outfits hanging in my wardrobe, as I type this.

But just like you, I’d heard and read about why veganism is a thing: 70% of our antibiotics are fed to livestock so they can produce more to meet our demands; vegetarians are 40% less likely to develop cancer cells and 64% less likely to have their arteries blocked; factory farming is by far the most nasty and inhumane sight in the world; vegetarian girls will always stay single (truth!).


I knew all of this. Despite being an animal lover, I never cringed at fur, ate dairy like my life dependent on it and devoured the life out of roasted chicken, literally. Until one lonesome Sunday afternoon, Netflix flashed the documentary ‘Vegucated’ at me: a guerilla-style documentary that follows the lives of three meat-loving, cheese-eating New Yorkers who take up the challenge to go vegan for six weeks.

Now, I’m a healthy girl. I might have been on a perpetual, self-implemented diet since the age of 15, but I take care of my body in a healthy manner, I try and eat organic when I can, I exercise pretty hardcore, and medically, I’m ‘healthy’. So when this documentary popped up on my ‘Suggestions For You‘ list, I felt like Netflix understood me. It was like he and I were ready to take our relationship to the next level. He wanted to see me healthier and happier without being too in-your-face. He subtly asked me to watch a documentary about obese Americans attempting veganism. Ha! So much fun.

And it was. Until I was a crying mess, writing down the statistics of poultry farms, carbon footprints and animal torture. The brutality of the ‘not-safe-for-children’ videos of farm animals being ripped apart made my brain and heart summersault into vegan land, instantaneously. I soon wiped my tears, FaceTimed my parents, narrated the horror movie to them and announced I was going vegan until the aforementioned wedding.

While this would have initially been a more verbal attempt to lose a few inches and tone up, but as of now, it’s about setting my conscious right and saving that one chicken from being tortured. Not saying that I’m going vegan set-in-stone, I might dream of my dad’s chicken curry and succumb tomorrow. But right now, I’m strong, real strong to stay vegan for the coming 42 days (starting only after I finish my current batch of organic, free-range eggs. Wastage is bad for landfill).

But you know what, you don’t have to go all PETA on yourself when trying a vegan lifestyle. This isn’t a competition. It’s not a celebrity trend (as much as Beyonce wants it to be; sorry Bey, not happening, yo!). And it’s not a diet. It’s a lifestyle change that you can make for whatever goddam reason you want it to be. Bey did it for a ‘spiritual cleanse’ and I’m doing it to save myself from the horrific nightmare of me not fitting into any wedding outfits in the middle of a 45C heatwave on a Goan beach.


*And… Haloumi for VP and camembert for governor, because I love them more than I love my own self and CALCIUM, I need my bones to survive all the Body Pump classes*

Well, I suppose I’m telling you this because if by some bizarre coincidence, you and I were to have a drink tomorrow night, you wouldn’t dare ask me why I’m drinking tequila on the rocks (98% of tequila brands in the market are vegan – there is a God!), now would you?

Pick me up at 8… with a wheel of Camembert. KThanksBye.